Have a Multicultural July 4th!

Oh, what a blessed, uh… happy, holid-- I mean, occasion, we have in store this weekend.

This 4^th of July, as we celebrate our polite, but flawed, country's independence from Great Br-- well, a country that was mean to us -- let us remember to give the hol-- oh, there I go again -- the day proper, globally-minded justice. This hol-- for crying out loud, I did it again -- This day, really just like every other day, is a day to respect all those other countries that have so generously provided our country with citizens. In showing respect be sure to wave any flag you like, just so long as you don't wave any flags of historically imperialistic nations. And especially don't wave the Stars and Stripes as it might offend some.

When you pause to remember all the men and women who have given us independence and freedom, don't forget those who gave us the opportunity to fight for freedom by standing for their own beliefs -- be those beliefs in totalitarianism, Communism, terrorism, really any belief, because they're all equal and acceptable. Actually, when you pause to remember independence, do a subsequent pause to mourn the fact that we are so independent when the world needs to be united and more dependent on each other.

While you're at it, be sure to shush anyone who says anything patriotic. It's better if you and your friends don't use the word "patriotic" at all, or "patriot," "patriotism," etc. Words more suited for this global occasion are "muli-culti," "international," "bilateral," things like that. Come to think of it, be extra careful not to wear anything red, white, or blue. Choose more polite colors like green, yellow, or purple. That'll make everyone feel more comfortable. Especially green.

When thinking about the greatness of this country, DON'T. It really isn't that exceptional. It's parochial to think such. Our country and its heritage are just like everybody else's. Everyone has their own way of government and who are we to judge. Words like "pluralism" and "coexist" are good ones to use here. Definitely don't bring up George W. Bush. Instead, focus on such great and universally renowned figures as Mao Zedong, Che Guevara, or Yasser Arafat.

Above all else, you must not, under any circumstance, give reference to God, or this country being under God, on the 4^th of July. It would help to shun any notion you've ever heard or read about this country being a Christian nation. Most people take great offense to anything Christ-related. Therefore, try to keep these people from learning about or reading quotes from George Washington, James Madison, Alexander Hamilton, Abraham Lincoln, Alexander de Tocqueville, Ronald Reagan -- the list is rather extensive. Even Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin or Woodrow Wilson aren't exactly safe. So be very careful. It's best to make the occasion as secular as possible.

Well, with those simple tidbits, you and your neighbors should have a wonderful hol -- sorry -- occasion! Enjoy the 4^th of Ju -- well, on second thought, calling it July would offend any anti-Roman friends of yours. Enjoy the 4^th Day of the 7^th Month!