Expert Parenting Wisdom

Alright, having been a dad (ex utero) for roughly five months, I now feel confident enough to offer some advice to any other parents or parents-to-be. I trust any readers will find my wisdom self-evident.

Aolani, consider this one blog dedicated to / resultant from you, however you would like to look at it.

In a list, because today's reader (and writer) loves lists:

1. Consider it a definite positive answer to prayer when God says, "No," to your request for twins -- especially when it is your first pregnancy.
2. Babies don't do fasting. Try as I might, and as noble as it is, Aolani just can't grasp the merit of skipping a meal. She can't even handle the concept of slightly postponing a meal. We'll try again when she's six. Months.
3. A new parent's best friend is a dish of leftovers. Ahhh, yes, after a hard, stressful day of work, chores, and baby-rearing, there is nothing quite like the relief when you remember that you don't have to cook tonight. Dinner is just one oven-warm-up away.
4. Pray in Jesus's name for your babies and trust that in the unseen realm powerful things are happening. You may not see results for a long time. You may not see results ever. But trust that somewhere in a non-visible way, the Spirit is rocking your baby's world. Visualize Him coming and bestowing grace and power and mercy to your baby.
5. Your newborn receives a lot of communication through touch. Massage and gently rub your baby in calm, smooth strokes. This relaxes babies, lets them know that they are loved, helps them with digestion, and might even relax the parent.
6. Never cook while wearing the baby in a sling. The food doesn't taste good for some reason.
7. Most importantly, make sure to never, ever, ever forget the diaper bag when going out in the car for extended periods of time.

Have a Multicultural July 4th!

Oh, what a blessed, uh… happy, holid-- I mean, occasion, we have in store this weekend.

This 4^th of July, as we celebrate our polite, but flawed, country's independence from Great Br-- well, a country that was mean to us -- let us remember to give the hol-- oh, there I go again -- the day proper, globally-minded justice. This hol-- for crying out loud, I did it again -- This day, really just like every other day, is a day to respect all those other countries that have so generously provided our country with citizens. In showing respect be sure to wave any flag you like, just so long as you don't wave any flags of historically imperialistic nations. And especially don't wave the Stars and Stripes as it might offend some.

When you pause to remember all the men and women who have given us independence and freedom, don't forget those who gave us the opportunity to fight for freedom by standing for their own beliefs -- be those beliefs in totalitarianism, Communism, terrorism, really any belief, because they're all equal and acceptable. Actually, when you pause to remember independence, do a subsequent pause to mourn the fact that we are so independent when the world needs to be united and more dependent on each other.

While you're at it, be sure to shush anyone who says anything patriotic. It's better if you and your friends don't use the word "patriotic" at all, or "patriot," "patriotism," etc. Words more suited for this global occasion are "muli-culti," "international," "bilateral," things like that. Come to think of it, be extra careful not to wear anything red, white, or blue. Choose more polite colors like green, yellow, or purple. That'll make everyone feel more comfortable. Especially green.

When thinking about the greatness of this country, DON'T. It really isn't that exceptional. It's parochial to think such. Our country and its heritage are just like everybody else's. Everyone has their own way of government and who are we to judge. Words like "pluralism" and "coexist" are good ones to use here. Definitely don't bring up George W. Bush. Instead, focus on such great and universally renowned figures as Mao Zedong, Che Guevara, or Yasser Arafat.

Above all else, you must not, under any circumstance, give reference to God, or this country being under God, on the 4^th of July. It would help to shun any notion you've ever heard or read about this country being a Christian nation. Most people take great offense to anything Christ-related. Therefore, try to keep these people from learning about or reading quotes from George Washington, James Madison, Alexander Hamilton, Abraham Lincoln, Alexander de Tocqueville, Ronald Reagan -- the list is rather extensive. Even Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin or Woodrow Wilson aren't exactly safe. So be very careful. It's best to make the occasion as secular as possible.

Well, with those simple tidbits, you and your neighbors should have a wonderful hol -- sorry -- occasion! Enjoy the 4^th of Ju -- well, on second thought, calling it July would offend any anti-Roman friends of yours. Enjoy the 4^th Day of the 7^th Month!