On Pre-Birth Fatherhood

I’ve been trying hard to really soak in and meditate on the gravity of having a little child, my offspring—someone to raise as a human being. I’ve felt a little disappointed in how inadequately I’ve been soaking and meditating. I just haven’t felt like I’ve made that satisfying contemplative connection you get when you ponder something for a long time and begin to grasp something deep and powerful. At any rate, I’ve wanted to devote more focus and energy to the expectation of my sweet Aolani.

There was, however, one moment when I was filled (to my liking) with the kind of focus and love for my daughter that I was seeking. It was the moment I realized that I could lose her. You don’t realize how much you have until you lose it, as the old adage goes. (Don’t be alarmed, Aolani is fine. Everything is normal, thanks be to God.)

The moment really struck when Aidan had a bad sinus infection. We thought we might have to resort to medication—medication that could affect Aolani adversely. The thoughts of what might happen to my little girl, even if it was minute, were disconcerting. Then my thoughts went from there to what if my little girl died, be it from medication or whatever. Suddenly, every little moment I had with her in the womb instantly became more precious. Every moment I dreamed of having with her out of the womb became more highly-anticipated.

I told myself cooking for her would now be memorable, because you never know when her last meal from daddy might be. Watching her move underneath her mommy's belly became weighty and significant. My mind raced to the future where Aolani and I could talk about movies, life or God. Those moments might disappear. Nothing could be taken for granted now. Second to a wife, a child is the most treasured earthly gift God can bestow. Everything had to be appreciated to the best of my ability. I had to live in the moment.

Nothing is guaranteed. Neither she nor I will be here forever. This is, I suppose, one of the curses of living in America. We consume ourselves with things while living comfortably, all the while neglecting the preciousness of life. Third-world denizens don't really suffer from that malady. I need forgiveness for lack of gratitude.